February...

I can't believe that today is the last day of January. This month has completely flown by. In the spirit of Ellen (hi!), I will delve into list-making. I love lists, they really keep me on track. At work, I am the list queen...it's because I am scared to death of screwing up. So, I had all of these glamorous plans for 2006 and given that the first month has gone by and I haven't really made a dent in my list, it's time to re-evaluate.

For February:

Get Social Work License
Read at least 4 books from the ever-growing stack
Keep apartment clean
Eat at home 5-days (at least) a week
Spend less time on the Internet at work (this one will be easy as of next week when my new project starts)
Plan a weekend away for the hubby and I
Spend less money (I don't need to keep buying more books)
Spend more time with friends (actually invite someone over - see Keep Apartment clean)
Make the most of weekends
Don't work on my days off
Get in touch with old friends
Organize the apartment (will help keep it clean)
Do taxes ASAP!!

I think that's a good start. I work best under pressure so it helps that there are only 28 days in February. But I see it as a very positive month. The Winter Olympics are this month. Valentine's Day is this month (a good excuse to eat chocolate). My new project starts this month. I have a day off this month (thank you Presidents!). I get to see Billy Joel this month (Thursday). The Superbowl is in February.

But there is one downside to February - Sam is going out of town for a week. I'm sad that he'll get to go home for a week and I'll be here. Although it's great that his company will fly him down for work.

And on another note, I want to wish a very Happy Birthday to our Army guy, Brian! Even though I know that you won't get to read this, we're thinking of you and wish you were living closer! We are so proud of you.



So let's reflect on the first month of the new year and welcome in month #2 of 2006. Hooray February!!!

Random Recap

This past week was quite a beast. Work, as usual, kicked my ass. Due to an increasing number of patients and a decreasing number of social workers, I was told that I would be taking more patients. This is fine for now, but once my new project starts and my Hospice patients begin to interfere, we're going to have a problem. I lost two patients last week but gained three by the end of the week. I'm concerned that I won't be able to remain with my patients until they are no longer on our program, which upsets me because I like to see things through. But my first commitment is to the project I was hired for.

About that new project - I attended meetings all week confirming the start date (February 6th) and giving us our first look at potential patients. We were given 40 charts of possible participants. My job for the next two weeks is to contact all of them, tell them about our project and see if they're interested in joining. If they are interested, I have to set up appointments and should begin seeing new patients the week of February 27th. This new project is such an exciting opportunity for me. I love the population that we will be working with and I love the fact that I am the only social worker. However, being the only social worker does have its drawbacks - I can't really take much time off unless I can find someone to cover my patients and if something goes wrong, I'm the one to blame. But I'm confident that this won't be a problem. So now I have to find a way to tell the Hospice team that I might not be able to keep all of my patients, but I'm sure gonna try.

On a completely different note, I've been spending the last week or so reading this amazing book, Unchosen by Hella Winston about Hasidic Jews who leave their communities. I highly recommend this read to anyone that enjoys learning about other communities and religions. It was a dissertation turned into a novel. I read it for a book club I would be attending at a co-workers temple on Saturday. The book was wonderful and it took place in neighborhoods that I have driven through on my way to see patients. It's as if Eastern Europe has been transplanted to Brooklyn. But it's Eastern Europe 50+ years ago. It's a separate world within this bustling city. This became even more prevalent when I went to the temple on Saturday. The temple is located in the heart of Boro Park, a huge Hasidic community.



Walking to the temple was a religious experience in itself, seeing the men walking home from shul with their long peyos (side curls),fuzzy hats, silken robes, white tights and ballet slippers (I'm sure they're not called ballet slippers, but that's what they looked like), carting around their many children (in one case, 8 children) and the women with their modest dress and head coverings (wigs included). They all looked alike but that wasn't the weirdest part. The neighborhood was like a ghost town. I was able to cross the street without waiting for the light to change. There wasn't a car in sight. None of the stores were open (all owned by Hasidic Jews and closed for the Sabbath). Very surreal. The book club was great and I was able to gain great insight from other's experiences with this insular population.

Saturday night was almost as surreal. Sam and I went to a local bar with a friend of mine from work to see her boyfriend perform. In addition to this co-worker, one of my supervisors was also there (with her partner). In the two months that I have been at my job, I have spent a total of 10 minutes talking to this supervisor. To be honest, I'm very intimidated by her. She kinda scares me. I walked in to the bar and she threw her arms around me. She spent most of the evening hanging on me, Sam and my co-worker. She was very flirty and VERY drunk. It's so nice when people fall right off of their pedestals. Makes us a little more on an even playing field. She hugged and kissed us goodbye and invited us over some night in the future for dinner. I'll try to maintain this friendship for two reasons: a) she and her partner are fun to be around and b) I think that she can really help to advance my career! It's almost like I didn't have much of a weekend since I was spending Saturday with co-workers, but I didn't mind.

Today, Sam and I slept late and had breakfast at our local cafe. We have an exciting week to look forward to. We have tickets to see Billy Joel on Thursday at Madison Square Garden. I was so lucky that one of my co-workers had a pair of tickets she wouldn't be using. I can't wait. And of course, I have tons of meetings and several patients to go see. I love this job!

Have a good week and I'll try to update more often.

Alter Ego or Multiple Personalities?

Have you ever felt like you lead a double life? I was thinking about this idea yesterday. I feel almost as if I am one person while I'm at work and a totally different person when I'm at home or around my friends. Only rarely do the two personalities (or alter egos, if you will) collide. I think that only Sam has seen both sides of me. I'd like to see this as me having an alter-ego not an outcry from my "other" personalities. Take this past week into weekend, for example. On Friday, I spent the entire day on the phone to either patients, or patient's family members or various companies in the community for my job. I was super nice on the phone and spent more time saying, "I agree. That's terrible. I completely understand. That must be so frustrating for you."

This alter-ego I have named, da da da duh duh duhhhh....Death Girl! Bringing compassion and a sympathetic/empathic ear to dying people and their kin. I considered "The Grim Reaper" or maybe some rapper known as G. Reaper (At the urging of a co-worker) but most times I feel like some sort of inconspicuous superhero. Seriously, I spend my days waiting for my patients to die and in some weird way hoping that they will die so that my caseload will get smaller and smaller. I don't see this as burnout, I see it as a social worker who is really excited about her upcoming project but she can't do her upcoming project as long as she has these Hospice people hanging around. According to a patient's daughter, I do God's work. That's nice of God to give me this to do. Now where are my abilities to walk through walls, leap tall buildings with a single bound and fly in my invisible plane?

But then Saturday rolls around and I'm a cussin', drinkin', smokin' crazy girl who doesn't give a damn how people are feeling. Okay, that's not completely true, but I'm trying so hard to make my other alter-ego (the real me) be as different from my superhero as can be. Isn't that how Clark Kent and Superman are? When I'm being me, I enjoy a lazy Sunday filled with 4-hour brunches (Thank you to Ellen and Paulette for joining us), I enjoy spending all of the money that I don't have shopping upstate with Annie and I enjoy being as far away from work as possible.

And then Monday morning rolls around and I change in to my business attire (not in a phone booth, mind you) and start calling patients' families to offer my condolences. On that note, two of my patients died over the weekend, bringing my caseload down to 9!

It's just funny, Sam and I figured this all out last night. We are comprised of two different personalities as I'm sure that everyone is. We have our "work" selves and our "home" selves. It's just amazing how different the two can be. My patients (and coworkers) think of me as so conservative. I bet they'd be shocked to know that I'm hiding three tattoos under my work clothes as well as panties with martini glasses all over them. How conservative is that?!

So, please stay tuned for the further adventures of Death Girl and Mac Man!!!! A.K.A (after the 9-5 grind ends) Carlye and Sam. Hopefully next week I'll be given my cape and begin secret missions!! Will I get official membership into the Justice League?!

Is it too late for New Year's Resolutions?

One of my resolutions, after the obvious ones (lose weight, save money, take better care of myself, blah, blah, blah), is to resolve to keep up with this blog a little better. I have found it to be a wonderful outlet for my fears, hopes, dreams and random thoughts. It's also a great way for friends and family to keep up with me and for me to keep up with them.

Work has been extremely busy over the past week. In my death post, I talked about the patient whose death would make me really sad. Well, he died last Friday night and I handled it really well. He died in our inpatient unit, which was a safer place for him and a less traumatizing place for his wife (she was scared to have him die in the home). But I'd like to stop talking about death. Let's focus on life and hope.

The program that I was actually hired for is set to begin in three weeks. My next week is filled with meetings and planning for the new program. I can't wait! Also this week, I was given major kudos from the director of the research project for what a great asset I have become to the Hospice team and how he knows that they made the right decision in hiring me. It made me feel fantastic and it validated all of the schooling that I have gone through to get here.

I finally got a letter from the state that says I am approved to take my licensing exam. Now I just have to register to take the exam and pick a date. As of right now, my deadline (for myself) is February 1st. I'd like to have my license before the new program starts so that my new business cards will say LMSW instead of the boring MSW that my Hospice business cards say (Yay! I got business cards yesterday!).

I'm looking forward to vegging out on the couch with Sam tonight and watching movies! Tomorrow is an all-day shopping extravaganza with Annie and then to see the New Jersey Nets play the Boston Celtics. I'm sure I'll post about the game on Sunday.

Even though it's almost February, Happy New Year to everyone. I'm still working on New Year's Resolutions and will continue to make short-term goals as the year goes by.

Happy Birthday Stewart!!!

Today is my father-in-law's 61st birthday. According to my sister-in-law, he is just now "Over the Hill" but we were under the impression that 40 began "Over the Hill". If anyone could clear this up, it would be appreciated.

Okay, back to Stewart's Birthday Wishes!!!! Happy Happy Birthday Stew!!! I (We) wish you many more years of health and happiness. Please enjoy life, take care of your wife and feel proud that you helped raise two amazing kids (one of whom is my kick-ass husband).

Thank you for all of the off-color jokes and stories, for all of the random information and for always being there when we need you.

And thanks for taking care of our girls!!!!

Death Can Be A Good Thing?!

Many people ask me how it is that I can maintain such a positive attitude while working as a Hospice social worker. I have had a few revelations over the course of the last four weeks in the Hospice department. One of the first questions asked when someone dies is, "Did they suffer?" The job or philosophy of Hospice is to make the patient as comfortable and pain-free as possible and to provide them with the support system that allows for a dignified method of dying. When I started this position, I was given a caseload of 16 patients. As of today, my caseload is down to 12. So, if you've done the math, 4 of my patients have died. Any person that is not doing this as a career may be really down after experiencing 4 deaths in 4 weeks. But not me. And before you ask, no, I did NOT kill them. Although I had a family equate me to the Grim Reaper, killing patients is not in my job description, now matter how hard they beg.

To be honest, I have had some sad cases, but honestly most can be considered "good deaths". An oxymoron? Not at all. When a patient is able to express his/her wishes for end of life care (i.e., a DNR, advanced directives such as "no feeding tube") as well as when the patient has strong connections with family members who are near and all plans have been made (funeral arrangements, estate planning, etc.), a person can die and it is seen as a good death when they are no longer in pain and battling a terminal disease. I'll elaborate on this subject. My very first patient was a Russian woman who was dying from gallbladder cancer. We were able to contact her daughter who was living out of the country and assist her in making her way to Brooklyn to see her mother. They had not seen each other in at least ten years. The reunion was bittersweet. The daughter was unaware that her mother was even sick. In this case, the patient was able to connect with her daughter on a truly emotional level, they were able to tell each other how they felt about each other and the patient passed away with her daughter holding her hand. This is considered a "good death".

I had a conversation with one of my co-workers today who was relaying her dreams of being a Pediatric Hospice Social Worker. Now, that's where I draw the line. Almost all of my patients are over the age of 70. For some reason, I can justify to myself that it's okay that they die because they have lived a long life, etc. I can't justify a child dying.

My reason for this post is not to bring anyone down, but more to vent about my job. I almost feel morbid every day when I look forward to checking my box at work and seeing one of my patients on the death list. It means that they are no longer in pain. I get a lot of, "wow, your job must be really hard, how can you work with people who are going to die" from friends, family and people who ask me what I do. To be honest, as of now, it's not hard. I know my role as a social worker and my duty is to provide support for the dying patient and their grieving family and friends. It's wonderful to become part of a family who is coming together for the purpose of supporting each other. If I can bring one family closer together, I've done my job.

Now don't get me wrong, as I continue to get to know my patients more, I get attached to them and see the day when I will be heartbroken when they die. I know that in the next few weeks I will have to go through a major loss in my patient load. I have become very close to one of my families. This patient was the first that I have seen from the very beginning of their admittance to Hospice. The patient is grieving for the loss of his former active life and his wife is already grieving for the loss of her husband. I have been in almost daily contact with the wife and relate to her as if she were my own grandmother. I'm sure my connection to her has something to do with losing my grandfather and seeing the loss that my grandmother and my family has experienced. So look forward to the day that I won't seem so unaffected by death and when I truly breakdown at the loss of this patient. From what I have been told from other co-workers, everyone experiences their first heartbreaking death that sticks with them forever.

Have I depressed you enough? Sometimes I'll just need to share my feelings about this morbid stuff. It's hard to understand how I can do this type of job if you are not working in my position. But so far, I absolutely love it. I love the connections I get to make with my patients and their families. I love my co-workers and I love the amazing company I work for.

And last but not least, to clear up one common misconception, Hospice is not a place where people go to die (although it can be a physical place), it is a philosophy of end of life care. For the most part our patients are cared for in their homes and never leave their homes to go to a nursing home, physical hospice or any other place to die.

And now I'd like to leave some room in our presentation for questions....

Anyone? Anyone?

Austin, Texas...My Pride and Joy

For a limited weekend engagement, the heart of the University of Texas, the Tower is lit up Burnt Orange with a #1 in honor of the National Championship University of Texas Football Team. Just thought I'd share what the Pride of Austin, Texas looks like!

Hook 'Em Horns...

Can You Smell the Roses????

Hats off to the 2006 National Champion Texas Longhorns!!!!!!!!! 41-38 over the former Champions, the USC Trojans!

I am to proud to be a Texas alumni/us!!! This is an amazing win for all of Texas!!!



I don't know what else to say -- this is the most amazing upset in college football! Vince Young kept us on the edge of the couch all night long and with 30 seconds left, he made good when it really counted! And it doesn't hurt that they won on my birthday and that VY is a Social Work major!

Hook 'Em Horns!!!!!!!!!!!!!