Taking Inventory

I'm in a rut. I'm not happy and I can't figure out why. Something just doesn't seem right. It's not one thing, I assume it's some sort of combination of things, but I need to get to the bottom of this. I can't sleep at night, I want to sleep during the day - what the hell is going on? It's only right that I try to breakdown my life to decipher the parts that aren't going well and try to figure out how to fix things.

Work:

I seem to have lost the passion. It's not that I don't love being a social worker, it's that I don't enjoy being a social worker for my agency. I'm not appreciated, I'm taken for granted, and I'm underpaid. My project has ended and I have reverted to being a plain ol' social worker, just like everyone else. That could be part of it - I'm not special anymore. I have a ridiculously large caseload. The national average is 25-30 and I have close to 50. I don't have time to see all of my patients, especially when I get a call from the research department asking me to complete a report on the project that they cancelled. You'd think they'd be able to do it themselves given that they never cared enough about me or respected me enough to give the actual title or pay to be a project director like they promised for over a year.

I feel like I don't know how to relate to my patients anymore. I feel like I have too many patients and can't devote the time to each that they deserve. I'm bogged down with food stamp and Access-A-Ride applications. My partner in the Palliative Care Program, an awesome social worker that was brought in to replace me in December so I could devote my time to the project, is getting exceedingly frustrated because he has over 50 patients with no letting up. He and I are basically splitting the entire program which has 118 patients on it currently.

I had my annual review in April (5 months late) and I assume I'm getting a raise, but it hasn't kicked in yet. That's another frustration - they give us our raises in July and pay us retroactively back to January. Why can't they just do reviews in December and pay us raises in January. Seems logical, right?

So obviously my job sucks and try as I might, I can't find anything better that will pay me more money. So I'm stuck for now but I'm unsure as to how to "make the best of it". Any suggestions?


New York:

Here's the thing I can't figure out. In April we got the most kick-ass apartment that I could have ever imagined for the price. We have furnished it with nice stuff and even care enough about the apartment to actually put things on the wall. Yet we still feel that it's temporary. We're always talking about the things that we're gonna do "when we get home", but I think it's time to realize that we may not be going home anytime soon and that this may be home. Maybe we should make the best of it. The first couple of years were still exciting. We lived in NYC! We could do all of the touristy shit in Manhattan (which we did), we could go to fun bars, concerts, etc. There was always so much to do. Then we moved to Brooklyn and it opened up a whole new world to us. It was so different and fun and didn't feel like a congested city. We loved our neighborhood and then the crazy bitch upstairs ruined everything. In recent months I have felt as if my love affair with New York had ended, but I'm not sure that moving back to Austin would necessarily solve anything. We need to explore more of New England this fall. We need to take more trips and really take advantage of living here. If not, we'll regret it when we leave.

Marriage:

My marriage is wonderful. We are getting so much better at communicating and not getting upset at little stupid things. We cook together every night, which has contributed to our closeness. I still think that he is the sexiest man alive and think that I am so lucky to have found him. Every once in a while I catch myself looking at him and thinking how beautiful he is. I often wonder if I deserve someone so awesome, which I do. I thoroughly respect him and how he challenges me. I don't think this is a source of my rut at all. We're so lucky, it's amazing how many of our friends have divorced in the last year. I don't ever think we'll get to that point. He and I just need to do more fun stuff outside of the house.

Friends:

Don't have any. Well, don't really have any here at least. We have two couples that we see once a month, but there isn't a real closeness there. I don't feel like I could call up either of the girls and go hang out 1-on-1 or go shopping or something. It's best when we are in a group of 6, which is really weird. I had one gal pal that I could go shopping with but I had to cut her loose (or just stop responding to her calls - I'm a real coward) when we couldn't get through 5 minutes without her yearning for her ex-boyfriend that broke up with her 2 years ago!!! And then there were Jen & James. Unfortunately, we didn't know how good we had it when they were here. I could call Jen for anything. We could hang out and never run out of things to talk about. Thank goodness she and James came to visit last weekend, I just really wish that we had someone closer. Sam always talks about the fact that all of our friends are still in Austin, but to be fair, only a few of our friends are still in Austin, most everyone else is all over the country. Brian is in Iraq, Omar & Bethany are in L.A., Jesse is in Miami, Mike and Alice are on their way to Memphis, Amanda & Chris are in Bryan, Jen & James are in North Carolina. Maybe we need to figure out a way to make more friends here, but I'm at a loss as far as how to. I have always made friends at school and at work and I'm done with making work friends...

Me:

Positives: This is gonna be kinda gross, but here goes. I'm so excited that I have had three periods in a row. Why is that exciting? The last period I had was December of 2005. For the last year, any periods I've had have been medication induced. For some reason, May was a good month for me and my body decided to work on it's own. I wonder if it correlates at all with moving to the new apartment?

I'm eating better, beginning to take care of myself and feeling better physically. I eat healthy foods (except for the scallops seared in butter the other night) and have cut out regular sodas and have dropped a size in my clothing. I'm no longer in a depressive haze, which is a nice change. I don't dread getting up in the morning.

Negatives: I'm still incredibly unhappy about my weight and am considering getting a LAP-Band. I want us to be able to have kids and I know that my weight is keeping that from happening. I look at myself in the mirror and think - ugh, gross! I want to change that. I think that every negative thing that happens is somehow related to my weight. I still feel it's what kept us from getting two apartments that we wanted. I feel that I tend to be overlooked at work and that things are expected of me. Maybe I'm not as professional as I could be. I have this horrible pain in my leg caused by pain in my back that causes numbness, tingling and a feeling of it falling asleep and then waking up - this is what keeps me up at night!

So to recap, my life isn't all that bad. I have someone willing to pay me to hang out with lots of different people. I have a great apartment, a fantastic husband, and a great family. I have great long-distance friends, but could use a few more closer by. We have little debt and can basically do anything we want to (within reason) and have money in savings. People like me and respect me. I'm not hiding under the covers refusing to face the world. So maybe I just need to get over myself and start living life just a bit better than I currently am. You know, when you put it all down in writing, it just doesn't seem so bad. I wonder if this works for everything...


This is me back when nothing mattered except playing in the dirt and getting love from mommy...