Well, I walked into work this morning with a medium chip on my shoulder. I was met with some really awesome news that made all of the crap almost worth it. Our team was accepted to present at a national conference next March. Why is this exciting? Because the conference is in Austin!!!! They're still going to let me help write the presentation so that I'll finally get to be published and I'll get to see my team next March.
Back to the other good things today. They held a lovely luncheon in my honor where I received a card that was signed by everyone! Lots of my coworkers sat and had lunch with me instead of stopping by to grab some food. It was actually nice. I delivered my cards to everyone that had our new contact information with a handwritten note to all of my coworkers which was well-received. Even though they suck, at least I know that I'm definitely being the bigger person and thanking everyone for the opportunity and the impact that they had on my life and career.
I was able to finish cleaning out my desk and all of my worldly possessions from the last three years have been transported home in two very heavy boxes. I have a few more patients to see, several things to follow-up on, but it looks like I'll be done around 1:00 pm on Friday. I am so relieved that I'm leaving with a strong feeling of pride for the work that I have done.
They'll miss me when I'm gone. They'll realize how awesome I was once I'm gone and they'll feel bad for treating me poorly. And I'll be laughing while I'm happy at home in Austin. Good-bye MJHS! It's been real and it's been fun but it ain't been real fun!
Thanks to everyone for the support, especially Marie who created a note to send to my employers that expressed my displeasure.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Now I'm Glad We're Leaving
I am such a loser. Seriously! All of the good feelings towards my agency and co-workers were completely obliterated this evening. I thought I was respected. I thought I had friends. Now I know different. I had a going away party tonight. I sent a lovely e-mail to all of my co-workers inviting them to a happy hour tonight to celebrate my tenure at the agency and celebrate the move to Texas. Hell, I even thanked each of them for being my colleagues/mentors/friends!
I chose to have this party tonight because all of the hospice IDT's (inter-disciplinary team) are on Tuesdays. Every single person that I work with is at the office on Tuesdays. I chose to have the happy hour at a location that was near the office. I invited all 88 of my coworkers.
I didn't expect a big group of people to come but I assumed that I would at least have my close friends there. I however did not expect the reception that I received.
Two people! Two fucking coworkers showed up! Not two of my friends, not even two from my department, two random women that I'm not all that friendly with.
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?
I feel worthless. I feel like that last three years have meant nothing. I feel like I gave them all I had and they gave me nothing. They didn't even care. This whole thing has not been a good experience.
I'm completely devastated and am thankful that there are only three more days left. How depressing. How sad. How un-fucking-believable. Did I mention that I'm shocked?
Now the real question is: how the hell do I act tomorrow when I go into the office? I want to point people out with a chorus of "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" but I won't. I don't know what I'll do. Should I even go to work? Should I even attend the luncheon tomorrow in my honor that I'm sure that no one will show up for? Should I even be upset about this? Will it matter?
I know that I won't ever see these people again, but I can't help feeling absolutely devastated! I'm crushed! Hopefully tomorrow will be another day and things will be better, but this whole fucking thing just puts such a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm gonna watch some mindless television to take my mind off of this...
I chose to have this party tonight because all of the hospice IDT's (inter-disciplinary team) are on Tuesdays. Every single person that I work with is at the office on Tuesdays. I chose to have the happy hour at a location that was near the office. I invited all 88 of my coworkers.
I didn't expect a big group of people to come but I assumed that I would at least have my close friends there. I however did not expect the reception that I received.
Two people! Two fucking coworkers showed up! Not two of my friends, not even two from my department, two random women that I'm not all that friendly with.
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?
I feel worthless. I feel like that last three years have meant nothing. I feel like I gave them all I had and they gave me nothing. They didn't even care. This whole thing has not been a good experience.
I'm completely devastated and am thankful that there are only three more days left. How depressing. How sad. How un-fucking-believable. Did I mention that I'm shocked?
Now the real question is: how the hell do I act tomorrow when I go into the office? I want to point people out with a chorus of "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" but I won't. I don't know what I'll do. Should I even go to work? Should I even attend the luncheon tomorrow in my honor that I'm sure that no one will show up for? Should I even be upset about this? Will it matter?
I know that I won't ever see these people again, but I can't help feeling absolutely devastated! I'm crushed! Hopefully tomorrow will be another day and things will be better, but this whole fucking thing just puts such a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm gonna watch some mindless television to take my mind off of this...
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Saying Goodbye
I'm sure that you guys are getting tired of my woeful, sad, laments about leaving NYC, but this is hard...and emotional. I thought it would be easy but the reality of the situation is hitting me like a ton of bricks. It's also hitting me pretty hard that we're not done packing, our apartment looks like a tornado blew through, we don't have someone lined up to take our apartment and I still have one more week of work.
Sam and I were able to have yet another "stay-cation" at the landlord's apartment in Manhattan so that we could properly say goodbye to the city. We invited our closest friends for a NYC-Ya Later(!) going away party. Although the turnout was small, the love was huge! We felt incredibly special and were very emotional at the thought of leaving our friends behind. We reminisced about the last four years, told stories of when we met and shared our fondest memories. As much as I would love to go into all of the major details of our last four years, I thought that I would share our memories in pictures. I've decided that we should take some of our favorite pictures of NYC, convert them to black and white, enlarge them and hang them in our house to remind us of the life we led in NYC. For your enjoyment, these are our top thirteen. Just so we know that you're out there reading, please comment as to your favorite four pictures (by number!). Thank you my loyal readers. I promise that future blogs will chronicle our adventure from Brooklyn to Austin.
1. Chrysler Building
2. Imagine Mosaic (Central Park)
3. Statue of Liberty
4. Brooklyn Bridge
5. Chrysler Building
6. A Brooklyn Water Tower
7. World's Fair Globe (Arthur Ashe Stadium - Queens)
8. Picasso on NYU Campus
9. Empire State Building
10. Empire State Building
11. Flatiron Building
12. Empire State Building
13. Three Bridges (Brooklyn, Manhattan, Williamsburg)
Now only pick four my friends! But pick some and let me know. This will assist my decorating and it's nice to know who's out there.
Sam and I were able to have yet another "stay-cation" at the landlord's apartment in Manhattan so that we could properly say goodbye to the city. We invited our closest friends for a NYC-Ya Later(!) going away party. Although the turnout was small, the love was huge! We felt incredibly special and were very emotional at the thought of leaving our friends behind. We reminisced about the last four years, told stories of when we met and shared our fondest memories. As much as I would love to go into all of the major details of our last four years, I thought that I would share our memories in pictures. I've decided that we should take some of our favorite pictures of NYC, convert them to black and white, enlarge them and hang them in our house to remind us of the life we led in NYC. For your enjoyment, these are our top thirteen. Just so we know that you're out there reading, please comment as to your favorite four pictures (by number!). Thank you my loyal readers. I promise that future blogs will chronicle our adventure from Brooklyn to Austin.
1. Chrysler Building
2. Imagine Mosaic (Central Park)
3. Statue of Liberty
4. Brooklyn Bridge
5. Chrysler Building
6. A Brooklyn Water Tower
7. World's Fair Globe (Arthur Ashe Stadium - Queens)
8. Picasso on NYU Campus
9. Empire State Building
10. Empire State Building
11. Flatiron Building
12. Empire State Building
13. Three Bridges (Brooklyn, Manhattan, Williamsburg)
Now only pick four my friends! But pick some and let me know. This will assist my decorating and it's nice to know who's out there.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Emotions Running Rampant
I always pictured the day that I would quit this job. It would be liberating. I would give my letter and my supervisor would cry. It would be passed around the administrative team with gasps of shock and tears of sadness. They would beg me to stay and offer me thousands of dollars. They would tell me that they could not function without me and offer to fly me back and forth to Austin so that I could move home and keep my job.
And then I woke up.
What really happened?
I presented my supervisor with my well-written letter of resignation. She read it over and commented on how nicely written it was. She then walked me to Human Resources. The HR lady was lunching so the letter was put on her desk (after telling her that it was there). Next step was to tell the Director of Clinical Services. Her response: "Oh crap!" which was followed by, "that's probably not what you wanted to hear is it?" I followed this with, "well it's better than 'thank God'!" After the requisite questions of "where are you going? Why are you leaving? Who are you working for?" it was time for me to figure out which patients I was seeing over the next four weeks and how I was planning to terminate. Terminate. That's a strange word to use with dying patients. Usually in hospice jobs, termination is very easy. The patients do it for you - they die! Most of my patients aren't dying anytime soon, so I had to tell them that I was leaving and go over all of the positive work that we have done. Then I have to figure out how to answer the question, "Who will my new social worker be?". Unfortunately the answer to that is "um, I don't know". We tend to be short staffed on a normal day, but now I'm leaving my dear coworker alone in our program, to fend off approximately 160 patients.
I assumed that like my predecessors before me, an e-mail or voice mail would be sent out to all of the staff with the sad news of my departure. Unfortunately that e-mail didn't go out until this past Monday, a full two weeks after I resigned. Guess they were in denial about my leaving. At that point, most already knew that I was leaving and it didn't seem like it was a really big deal. I guess I was pretty vocal about wanting to eventually return home.
As of today, I have a breakfast scheduled in my honor next Tuesday morning and a lunch in my honor next Wednesday afternoon. It's nice to be recognized. As of today, they have not even begun interviewing anyone to take my place. My colleague and I begged for extra help for the last six months (at least) and even when one of us leaves, it still does not get them working towards getting some help. Oh well, it's not my problem anymore, right?
Now back to termination. It has been hard. First of all, it's really hard to tell people that I'm leaving - it really doesn't fit easily into conversations. I've had to lead in with "I have some news to share" before the session even gets started. I've been met with anger and frustration but mostly with sadness (which is nice to hear). I'm surprised that my patients were so attached to me. But what is most surprising is my reactions. I am so sad to leave my patients. Most of my patients I have been working with for a long time, a few of them two years, so it's hard to say goodbye. I feel like I'm letting them down by leaving. I feel like I've been traveling along this road with them through chemotherapy, radiation, depression, pain, sadness and strife and I'm leaving before the very end. But I also know that I have given them so much of me that they have new strength to get through their next chapter with. Does that make sense?
I'm devastated to leave a few of my colleagues (a few!) and worry about how they will be treated in the future. At least my supervisor is taking up some of the slack by taking over some of my patients. Several other social workers have been more than willing to help out as well. Where were they over the last six months when we needed them, but I can't worry about that now.
Aside from seeing all of my patients, I have spent so much time organizing all of my stuff in my desk. I have catalogued research articles that I've been given over the years, I've made binders that contain resources that I can take with me, I have copies of all of the forms and documents that I have created and many, many books. I'm almost done and I think that my desk will take at least two large boxes to store all of my stuff. It's crazy - this was my first "real" job after grad school. This has been my home for almost three years, but I know that it is time for me to move on and spread my wings. My friends from work have all already left - I was the last of them. I was the last social worker from the previous regime. Now they are free to hire someone who will be less outspoken and irritated!
The tears have been free-flowing, which has been shocking to me because for the most part - I don't cry. To paraphrase what my supervisor said to me yesterday, "you have a very hard exterior, we didn't think you could be so soft on the inside". That's me, all ooey gooey and squishy. I thought they knew! At least everyone is taking the opportunity to tell me how great I am. Maybe if they had done more of that over the last year, I wouldn't be so adamant that it's time to leave.
So, I have seven days of work left and five more patients to terminate with. I've left the hardest for the end...
Wish me luck!
And then I woke up.
What really happened?
I presented my supervisor with my well-written letter of resignation. She read it over and commented on how nicely written it was. She then walked me to Human Resources. The HR lady was lunching so the letter was put on her desk (after telling her that it was there). Next step was to tell the Director of Clinical Services. Her response: "Oh crap!" which was followed by, "that's probably not what you wanted to hear is it?" I followed this with, "well it's better than 'thank God'!" After the requisite questions of "where are you going? Why are you leaving? Who are you working for?" it was time for me to figure out which patients I was seeing over the next four weeks and how I was planning to terminate. Terminate. That's a strange word to use with dying patients. Usually in hospice jobs, termination is very easy. The patients do it for you - they die! Most of my patients aren't dying anytime soon, so I had to tell them that I was leaving and go over all of the positive work that we have done. Then I have to figure out how to answer the question, "Who will my new social worker be?". Unfortunately the answer to that is "um, I don't know". We tend to be short staffed on a normal day, but now I'm leaving my dear coworker alone in our program, to fend off approximately 160 patients.
I assumed that like my predecessors before me, an e-mail or voice mail would be sent out to all of the staff with the sad news of my departure. Unfortunately that e-mail didn't go out until this past Monday, a full two weeks after I resigned. Guess they were in denial about my leaving. At that point, most already knew that I was leaving and it didn't seem like it was a really big deal. I guess I was pretty vocal about wanting to eventually return home.
As of today, I have a breakfast scheduled in my honor next Tuesday morning and a lunch in my honor next Wednesday afternoon. It's nice to be recognized. As of today, they have not even begun interviewing anyone to take my place. My colleague and I begged for extra help for the last six months (at least) and even when one of us leaves, it still does not get them working towards getting some help. Oh well, it's not my problem anymore, right?
Now back to termination. It has been hard. First of all, it's really hard to tell people that I'm leaving - it really doesn't fit easily into conversations. I've had to lead in with "I have some news to share" before the session even gets started. I've been met with anger and frustration but mostly with sadness (which is nice to hear). I'm surprised that my patients were so attached to me. But what is most surprising is my reactions. I am so sad to leave my patients. Most of my patients I have been working with for a long time, a few of them two years, so it's hard to say goodbye. I feel like I'm letting them down by leaving. I feel like I've been traveling along this road with them through chemotherapy, radiation, depression, pain, sadness and strife and I'm leaving before the very end. But I also know that I have given them so much of me that they have new strength to get through their next chapter with. Does that make sense?
I'm devastated to leave a few of my colleagues (a few!) and worry about how they will be treated in the future. At least my supervisor is taking up some of the slack by taking over some of my patients. Several other social workers have been more than willing to help out as well. Where were they over the last six months when we needed them, but I can't worry about that now.
Aside from seeing all of my patients, I have spent so much time organizing all of my stuff in my desk. I have catalogued research articles that I've been given over the years, I've made binders that contain resources that I can take with me, I have copies of all of the forms and documents that I have created and many, many books. I'm almost done and I think that my desk will take at least two large boxes to store all of my stuff. It's crazy - this was my first "real" job after grad school. This has been my home for almost three years, but I know that it is time for me to move on and spread my wings. My friends from work have all already left - I was the last of them. I was the last social worker from the previous regime. Now they are free to hire someone who will be less outspoken and irritated!
The tears have been free-flowing, which has been shocking to me because for the most part - I don't cry. To paraphrase what my supervisor said to me yesterday, "you have a very hard exterior, we didn't think you could be so soft on the inside". That's me, all ooey gooey and squishy. I thought they knew! At least everyone is taking the opportunity to tell me how great I am. Maybe if they had done more of that over the last year, I wouldn't be so adamant that it's time to leave.
So, I have seven days of work left and five more patients to terminate with. I've left the hardest for the end...
Wish me luck!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
